Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for – I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times. [Kate L. Bosher]

December 12, 2009 at 23:43 (Personal)
Tags:

Wreath on the door.  Check.

 

Tree topped with a brand new star.  Check.

[No Pic] Christmas cards purchased.  Check.

So…then where is my Christmas spirit?  I don’t know.  Christmas spirit…no check.

I was out today in the mix of things, and watching people running around to get what they want/need for the season.  That’s the first time I’ve really been out in the stores during this shopping season, because I tend to go after hours if I need anything, and mostly I don’t go out.  I can’t tell you if it’s because I’m alone here, or if it’s because I lost my grandfather this year, or if it’s because I’m just ready to begin my second quarter-century and get this one over with, but I am not feeling it this year.

It makes me miss the Palisades mall, during my college years when I would just wander through the mall and soak in all the Christmas spirit.  Although if I want to be honest, instead of reminiscing, I often felt a disconnect then, too.

I haven’t had a good Christmas since childhood.  But one day, I will have one.

Leave a Comment

Without health, there is no point. To anything. [Everett Mámor]

December 9, 2009 at 20:05 (Health, Nutrition, Transformation)
Tags: , , , ,

I should make this point first: this was never meant to be a health blog.  Sometimes, though, the things going through my head feel safer in there.  It’s easier to talk about health, wellness, this transformation towards a Better Me.

To that end, I’ve abandoned Body for Life.  I’ve identified some new goals (as mentioned in my previous post), and I’ve adopted a plan more suited towards reaching those goals.  Overall, the goal is for me to live a happy and healthy life and to be a different kind of person.  So what I’ve decided to do is actually a combination of Mark Sisson’s general workout scheme but with Alwyn Cosgrove’s prescription for lifting on the appropriate days in the program.  But since I’m well aware that nutrition and sleep plan an important role (thanks, Melissa Urban), I am also taking very seriously the need to get eight hours of sleep a night and eat whole, healthy, real food.  So all of this wonderful, beautiful, important information from all of these highly credible sources are starting to blend for me and it’s all becoming so clear!  I’m very happy.

Because of the nutrition concern (combined with previously mentioned budget concerns), I spent time today planning out menus for the next two weeks and using them to create a very detailed shopping list.  Beyond that, I won’t be standing in line at Walmart (or Bilo, Publix, or Whole Foods) for the next two weeks.  One big shopping trip.  Two big cooking sessions.  Food for two weeks.  Done. =)

The meal plan is very exciting to me.  Baby stepping into serious nutritional changes, there is not a single stitch of grain, nor grain of sugar, nor bottle of soda in my meal plan.  I have not decided to give up dairy — Rachel’s yogurt is delicious, rich in Omega 3’s, and will feel very indulgent, helping me to stick to the junk food cheat day embargo.  I’ve planned for one a night, as a dessert.  So if I’m finally embracing the principles I know to be true (I will give you the nutritional bankruptcy of grains any day), what the hell will I actually eat?

Turkey and egg scramble with spinach and tomato is my go-to breakfast.  It’s easy to make a big batch and split up, it’s delicious, and I genuinely enjoy it.  Being able to have that for breakfast is like a touchstone, one thing that won’t change.  Can you believe I already love a dish that is completely Paleo/primal/dino-chow friendly?  I will enjoy it daily, with coconut water.  Of course, coffee with coconut milk will be permitted to turn me from sleepy grouch to relatively nice human being, since there’s no more soda!  I will be snacking on nuts and raisins, and then enjoying tuna salad (with dried cranberries and apples, omg yum) on celery sticks for lunch.  In the afternoon I’ll have some turkey chili, and for dinner it will be oregano chicken with a salad and some tea.  Post-dinner will be one of the many delicious flavors of yogurt and a cup of Emergen-C Lite, again per recommendations of Melissa Urban in regards to managing cortisol and dealing with stress and “life stuff.”

Week two will feature snacks of apple slices with raw almond butter, turkey patty lunches with tomato and avocado slices, an afternoon snack of cucumber salad (thanks to Mel Joulwan, who often has amazing recipes in her blog), and a dinner of spaghetti squash with ground turkey tomato sauce.  That’s right, I am finally going to try out spaghetti squash.  I have wanted to for years, and found an excellent recipe for sauce that sounds pretty interesting, and so two weeks from now is the week.  ;)

While I know I need to embrace whole foods, for now I’m sticking to Myoplex AdvantEdge and a banana post workout.  There are a lot of changes already happening, and those are tweaks that will come a little further down the road.  Foregoing the pasta, bread, sugar, and junk will be going a long way.  And giving up soda will probably keep my brain pretty occupied for at least the next two weeks as I fight off the angry toddler in my head throwing hissy fit after hissy fit about wanting some Diet Coke.

Maybe one day it will end up on my healthy/f off scale.  But that will be in much smaller amounts than what I currently indulge in!

Leave a Comment

The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit. [Antoine de Saint-Exupéry]

December 6, 2009 at 01:11 (Personal, Transformation)
Tags: , ,

My goals for 2010 are in nice and early, to give myself a little extra time to reach them.  These goals are concrete, measurable, and…well, not entirely in reach at the moment, but not so far off that I won’t be able to get there through perseverance and methodical planning.  So, without further adieu, and for the whole world to witness, here are the goals for 2010.  [drum roll please]

  1. My weight will reach 150.
  2. I will be able to run two miles in 15:36.
  3. I will be able to do fifty pushups in two minutes.
  4. I will be able to do eighty sit-ups in two minutes.

For those of you to whom these goals sound familiar…I cannot confirm or deny any further upcoming plans or goals.  All I can do is list the goals I have at the moment, and give you a picture of the kind of condition I will be in a year from now (honestly, hopefully much sooner).  I have a lot of methods of reaching these goals, including aforementioned workout tweaks and some behavioral tweaks (bedtime no later than 10 pm, 5 am alarm for a 5:30 workout daily).  The biggest change, though, is going to be that I am finally going to embrace Paleo living.  No grains, no sugar, no processed foods, no soda and no artificial sweeteners.  I have ambitions and places to get to, and I’m interested in hopping on the highway.  This is the one time in my life when I am not interested in and will not be taking the windy, curvy back roads.

Decisions have been made, excuses will be checked at the door.

 I understand that I have made similar posts in the past.  However, I have not done so with this amount of fervor — I haven’t had this set of goals to make this kind of fire burn in my belly.  When I am faced with the (inevitable) cravings and internal monologue of whining, I will remind myself of the why so I can endure the how.  And I will also remember that those cravings and whining are like a three-year-old asking for candy before bed — it’s not even a question.  No.  Ridiculous.  I read about that technique in one of the fitness blogs I read, and I think it may help me more than anything else.  I picture a lot of internal battles: “But I want some pasta!!!!”  “I’m sure you do, pasta is yummy.  But it’s not for you; not now.”

When I reach these goals, maybe I’ll adopt an Urban Gets Diesel “Healthy/F-Off Scale.”  Maybe I will go with Mark Sisson’s “80/20” principle.  Maybe I will genuinely love all the healthy veggies and fruits and meats and nuts and seeds, and I will stop craving all the pasta and soda and sugar!!  That is (obviously) the actual point of doing this.  That way, when I do indulge, it will be brief and it will be with the understanding that I will feel like junk afterwards.

So there is the outline for what I’ll be working on in 2010.  I am confident it will be my most auspicious year thus far.

1 Comment

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. [Antoine de Saint-Exupéry]

December 2, 2009 at 23:50 (Personal)
Tags: , , , ,

  1. Marry the right person.  This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
  2. Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.
  3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
  5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
  6. Be generous.
  7. Have a grateful heart.
  8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.
  9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
  10. Treat everone you meet like you want to be treated.
  11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
  12. Commit yourself to quality.
  13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
  14. Be loyal.
  15. Be honest.
  16. Be a self starter.
  17. Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.
  18. Stop blaming others — take responsibility.
  19. Be bold and courageous.
  20. Take good care of those you love.
  21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your mom proud.
    [H. Jackson Brown, Jr.]

Ever since I found this list, I have adopted it (along with Desiderata) as a personal code of conduct of sorts.  Tonight, I added it to my Control Journal as the first page.  So when I open the book, I am reminded of general principles of living.  The bold one is bolded because that has been (for the most part) the goal of my life thus far, even before finding that list.  My failures in this arena have been few, but major, and what is always the most painful about each failure is the feeling that I have let my mother down.

Things are coming together bit by bit for me here, and I am finding that I like it.  Ideas for my future (not necessarily new ideas) abound, and I am feeling better than I have in a long, long time.  My workouts are great (I’ve transitioned into more multijoint exercises than isolations, and today I even threw in some plyometrics and did walking lunges around the perimeter of my gym as part of my “hamstring” workout) — obviously, I am straying a bit from Body for Life programming by making these changes.  I’m okay with that.  The program is great and has gotten me good results so far, but I am tweaking to bring myself great results and to prepare myself for the next program.

While I originally intended to do three BFL cycles, I will be moving into programming done by Alwyn Cosgrove when this first cycle is over.  This is an executive decision meant to prepare me for what comes next.  Alwyn includes a lot more functional training and multijoint work, and I am hoping for quick gains in strength and muscle and relatively rapid fat loss.  Because I want to be ready for what comes next: important discussions about the future.  Maybe even asking what I can do, not what can be done for me.

I am at a point in life where I feel like things I once thought would never be in reach are closer every moment.  And that is beautiful.

Leave a Comment

Open your presents at Christmastime but be thankful year round for the gifts you receive. [Lorinda Ruth Lowen]

November 29, 2009 at 15:05 (Personal)
Tags: , , , ,

Shroedinger and the Christmas tree

Shroedinger and the Christmas tree

On Thanksgiving, I put the tree up.  I also went to Garden Ridge and found a billion people there.  Who knew?  I didn’t even realize they were open, and it’s apparently a favorite pasttime of many.  I bought an awesome doormat, a really great Nativity candle holder, and some other stuff.  Probably shouldn’t have spent extra money, but it happened and it’s over.  I’m not going back to Garden Ridge with, like, a doormat and the receipt.  I will just have to enjoy my doormat and be happy about life.

Finally got out and had some fun this weekend.  Went to Frankie’s Fun Park yesterday, where I lost at everything from skee ball to trivia.  I did all right in one game of air hockey, two rounds of basketball, and the water shooting game (because the other machine was broken).  It was fun, though.  I made some lasagna with not enough cheese (that’s a new one for me) and I saw Ninja Assassin, which was really, really, really good.  It was nice to be dressed in real clothes (as opposed to scrubs, workout gear, or pajamas), and out in civilization.  But the dog was pissed about it.  :-P

One holiday down, one big one to go.  I am thinking about going to see the Christmas Spectacular at the Bi-Lo Center if I can find the extra money in the budget.  I’ve wanted to go for years, and haven’t found anyone to go with in all this time.  Maybe it’s time to just scrap the idea altogether, and go by myself.  Not that big a deal.  And then I have to look into buying my ticket for Wicked at the Peace Center, because I’m not missing that!  Birthday present to meeeee.  lol

That’s really all for now.  I have a movie from Netflix waiting to be watched (Waiting, ironically).  It was supposed to be funny, so I may go lay down for awhile and watch it.  There’s nothing on the DVR.  I’ll be sure to report back.

Leave a Comment

“Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams…Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.” [Pope John XXIII]

November 26, 2009 at 00:12 (Personal)
Tags:

I am feeling a large disconnect from the holidays this year.

But tomorrow I’m putting up my tree, and hopefully I’ll feel more festive.  =)

This post was supposed to be longer.  Maybe I will write more tomorrow.

Leave a Comment

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. [Robert Orben]

November 25, 2009 at 01:47 (Personal, Transformation)
Tags:

I have been sick for about a week now.  And by sick, I mean that my immune system is battling out something huge.  I’m not terribly symptomatic — my throat is a little sore, my sinuses are a bit congested — but I am so completely worn out it’s not funny.  I don’t believe I have ever been this tired in my LIFE.  (I am sure that’s not true…but I can’t remember a time I was this tired.)

My workouts have suffered as a result.  Yesterday I did an abbreviated lower body workout and I am so, so sore today.  I skipped cardio, and tomorrow I will most likely do an abbreviated upper body workout.  I have decided to only do one cycle of Body for Life, not only because the results are limited but because the program is not really in alignment with my personal fitness beliefs (multi-joint exercises are few and far between, the emphasis on fasted cardio is very difficult for me to schedule, and on the whole I prefer more full body workouts that hit harder and move faster).  I will finish out this cycle, which is set to end 1/4.  Then I’ll segue into a six month program designed by Alwyn Cosgrove, who is an amazing program designer.  Hopefully that will advance me towards my goals more quickly.

I am in the midst of a lot of big changes in life.  I’m applying for a second job to bring in some extra money, I am in talks to start volunteering, and I am still in the process of getting set up for school this spring.  If all goes my way then soon my (what feels like way too much) free time will have evaporated, and I will be constantly in motion.  I haven’t been constantly in motion since college, and I miss the feeling of it — of always having something that needs to be done, always being productive.  I am excited about the changes coming up in my life, and I promise to keep you posted.

But for now?  Time to hit the pillow.  Hard.

Leave a Comment

Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. [Margaret Atwood]

November 18, 2009 at 14:19 (Personal)
Tags: , , ,

I apologize, again, for not blogging.  I have thought to myself daily that I should blog, and then proceeded to do anything else.  Then I sat down to write a blog about an hour ago (maybe a half hour), wrote and wrote and wrote, and then somehow had it get completely eaten.  That made me a sad Jessie, and now this will probably be short.  And a ghost of what it could have been.

I have mostly been very faithful and dedicated to Body for Life.  There is the occasional missed workout, and (more often) a complete meltdown where I eat whatever I want and go completely off the deep end.  But the advice of the program is to focus on progress, not perfection.  And I know it’s unrealistic to think that I will be 100% right from the get-go on this.  Going gung ho is a great way for me to get burned out and give up.  What’s important is that I keep going.  I’m not even halfway through the first cycle [of three planned cycles], and already I have seen vast improvements.  I have a lot of work to do on myself — physically, mentally, and emotionally.  This is the beginning of something great, I can tell.  I’m very excited.

I got All the Real Girls from Netflix and took my sweet time getting around to watching it.  I think I put off watching the real movies for fear of my reaction to them.  So I watched, and it was very good.  It was a bit disjointed (at least partly due to the fact that the DVD stuck in places and it was hard to watch), and tried too hard to be different in places.  But in other places it was very real, and very good.  I liked it, and it’s worth watching for the same reason that Chasing Amy is one of the best movies ever written.

At work we did a leg amputation on a dog.  Everyone was very excited (one of our nurses came in on her day off, another came in really early).  The dog had a really bad break, and the repair and rehabilitation costs were beyond the owners’ reach.  Amputation was the next logical step.  He handled the surgery really well, and was even up and walking around at the end of the day yesterday (only hours after his leg was sawed off!).  He’s a great dog, and we’re pretty confident his recovery will be speedy.

 

I feel like there are things I should be working through, but I’m not sure that I’m comfortable doing that here.  I guess it doesn’t really matter.  I always say I am mostly an open book, but I am a liar about that.  There are things locked away inside me that I am too afraid of to let out, but they are demons constantly rattling the cage.  I am never at peace, they never allow me to relax and be happy.  And I’m a little more haunted about things that happened at the end of the summer than I can bring myself to let on.

But right now, I don’t want to talk about it.

Leave a Comment

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. [John Fitzgerald Kennedy]

November 11, 2009 at 17:09 (Personal)
Tags: , ,

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
and then he stood at ease.

I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert
He’d stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.
How many died on foreign soil?
How many mothers’ tears?

How many pilots’ planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers’ graves?
No, freedom isn’t free.

I heard the sound of taps one night,
When everything was still.
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times
That taps had meant, “Amen,”
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons, and husbands
With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea,
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom isn’t free.

“Freedom Isn’t Free”
by Cadet Major Kelly Strong, 1981

Thank a veteran today.  Honor our active service men and women.  Remember that the liberties which you often take for granted came at a very significant price to many families much like yours.

If you want to give back more than words, thoughts, and prayers, here are some organizations you may want to look into:

Holiday Mail for Heroes (American Red Cross)
Give 2 The Troops
Any Soldier
AAFES (Gift cards/certificates and phone cards for soldiers)

There are many, many more organizations.  And if you know anyone currently deployed, send a card, a letter, a care package.  Help deployed troops stay strong through their stay.

1 Comment

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love. [Diego Marchi]

November 11, 2009 at 16:53 (Personal)
Tags: , ,

When I was twenty-one, I lost a baby.

This is a mostly unknown fact.  For a long, long time afterward, I couldn’t bear to go out on the weekends.  Walking through the mall while mothers pushed babies in strollers reduced me to sobbing fits in the restroom.  Eventually, I learned to avoid the situations and to tolerate the ones I could not avoid.  I have carried this with me for a long time, but the daily crying stopped somewhere along the way.  I am not sure when.

I believe it had something to do with the boys in New York.  Spending time with them was a gift to me, I am certain of it, from a higher and benevolent power.  When I had to leave them, I was again faced with emotional torment.  Somewhere along the way since I left New York, the daily crying stopped.  I am not sure when.

In March I lost my grandfather.  And I still cry pretty much every day.  And I sometimes cry when I see grandfather-ly types out in the world, and hope that they have someone in their lives who cherishes them as much as I cherished my grandfather.  I am sure that somewhere along the way, the daily crying will stop.  I am not sure when.

These losses, people ripped from us, accumulate over time.  I am not sure that we ever get over these things.

Today, I am heavy with them.

Leave a Comment

« Older entries