Who I Am:
There is a lot to say, lots of work to be done, and we both have to get out and change the world. But I understand that the most important thing right now is the relationship we are going to build together — so I would like to introduce myself. Here is what it says in my dating profile:
— I have lived all over, but I’m a Jersey girl at heart.
— I have a few pets (so if you’re allergic to/don’t like cats or dogs, sorry…)
— I’m very family oriented and fiercely devoted to the people in my life.
— I’m unashamed to like cheesy music and awful, but entertaining, TV shows.
— I’m dying to go skydiving, and also interested in taking flying lessons.
— I would love to learn to ride a motorcycle, and to get one of my own.
— I read voraciously.
— I love classic car shows, bowling, guns, Renaissance faires and campfires.
— Travel is very important to me (some must-see spots include Alaska, Greece, Prague, Japan, Trinidad, New Zealand, and Disneyworld!).
— I don’t have any children or tattoos. Eventually, I want to have both – and I don’t mind if you have either.
— I am not one of those girls that believes there are “no good guys left” and I’m not desperate to meet “the one.”
My tastes in everything run to extremes. Musically, I love acoustic/folk anything — but nothing cheers me up faster than someone singing in Spanish (salsa/reggaeton/etc.), nothing sounds more like home to me than country music (and I have always believed you can’t beat a good country love song); and sometimes I turn into a white rapper in my car. I love everything from action movies to indie flicks (top 5 of all-time are The Princess Bride, Kung Fu Hustle, Chasing Amy, Office Space, and American Psycho). I like to read poetry, historical and political nonfiction and some (well-written) fiction. And I find something I like in every person I meet.
After a few years of nothing but trouble, I am thankful to be alive and determined to live to the fullest and I’m very invested in the fresh start that began when I moved to SC. I am working earnestly to improve life and move forward from here. I never take myself or life too seriously, but I always keep an eye on what’s important — I try really hard not to lie to myself, and likewise I won’t lie to you. I live by the motto that life is a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves: I love adventure and excitement, but not drama.
And here’s what it does not say, but these are important things for you to know, to get the whole picture. I am an empath to the extreme, feeling what everyone around me feels. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to enjoy my life. I believe in sending cards. I love the sense and feel of community. I believe in hugs and touching. I don’t believe in big pharma. I eat meat. I don’t eat bread; I am struggling to give up sugar. I drink a LOT of water. I love my dog, but I prefer my cats (and other people’s dogs). The sound volume must always be on an odd number, which drives my little sister crazy. I cannot flush a toilet unless the lid is closed. I can’t seem to stop biting my nails even though I know it’s a disgusting habit. Recently I resolved to curse a lot less. I am quick to frustration (especially when people aren’t on my page or with bad drivers), but also quick to laughter. I believe in expression, in love, in art. I believe in religion, but not in oppression. I am a natural judger with a constant internal struggle not to judge. I am probably the least patient person I’ve ever met. I have really strong opinions, and I don’t believe in editing them for various audiences. In all instances where an important conversation is required, I am basically incapable of having one. I have not always believed I am a good person. I am almost thirty, and what I want to do more than anything else is something that matters.
Why You Should Care
The more important thing to tell you is why you shouldn’t care. For example, if you believe the world owes you anything, you should not care. If you get off on outranking someone, if you buy a new car every year or two, or if you are more interested in the results of The Bachelor than the recession, or the war, or something worth caring about, then don’t bother. (Full disclosure: one of my favorite train wrecks is The Jersey Shore. The point is, there are other things to care about, too.) If you never ask why and never look deeper, we will probably not be friends.
But you should care if you’re anything like me — weird. Imperfect but passionate. Maybe, like me, you have felt all of your passion drain slowly away since you left school. Maybe you woke up one day, even today, and realized that there has to be more. If you did everything the way you were “supposed” to and feel like you’ve gotten nothing out of it, if you have been searching for meaning or just yearning for it, then I hope you will share my journey. I have recently come to the conclusion that my life has not been what it should — but that I have complete control over where it goes from here. That is the most important part.
In high school, we were told that we’d get to study whatever we wanted in college. In college, we were told that we were going to get “real jobs” and be productive members of society. And now, here we are: doing what we’re supposed to do, and feeling like there has to be something more.
Specifically, here I am: I was told growing up that I am brilliant, that I would be amazing one day. My senior year of college, I started to make my life and goals smaller. My entire life was a roller coaster that completely jumped the track at 21. Since college, I have moved seven times trying to feel settled. I have been a gypsy for a long time, but always seeking to get in line.
My mother used to tell me that the two best jobs to do when you’re young is waitressing and reception, so you will always have something to fall back on. She also stressed education, almost without purpose. Education for education’s sake. I waitressed for a day when I was sixteen, and spilled a man’s soup in his lap. I tried graduate school, but my life was a mess and I was bored, and dropped out. Two years later, after I saved my own life by leaving an abusive relationship, I tried to apply for a job in an office (at 23, with the resume of an honors college graduate, but very little practical experience). The lady looked me in the eye and asked why I was qualified to answer her phones. I lucked into a different office job (after moving from Pennsylvania to Texas), and worked for the company for two years — with a one year break in the middle to accomodate the emotional breakdown I had following the death of my grandfather. I am working for that company now, and I’ll probably never again be asked why I’m qualified to answer someone’s phones. But do I want to be 27 and qualified to just answer phones? No.
I have begun to read The Art of Nonconformity after a series of revelations and nudging from people in my life and the universe itself, and decided to make some unconventional choices to change my life so that it matches my ideals more. I don’t want to be so busy that I don’t have time to live, and I never want to look back and realize there were things I should have done. I am deeply committed to the idea of a life with no regrets.
The story behind the vision of this blog is on its own page, so I will briefly summarize my point in all this: I am setting out to change my life and the world, and I hope you will too.